Um grego e um italiano estavam conversando, discutindo sobre qual de seus países tinha dado a maior contribuição cultural para o mundo.
O grego disse: “Nós construímos o Partenon.”
E o italiano respondeu: “Grande coisa! Nós construímos o Coliseu!”
“Ah, mas a Grécia desenvolveu a matemática.”
“E nós criamos o Império Romano!”
Os dois continuaram nesta toada por um bom tempo, até que o grego teve uma inspiração: “Nós inventamos o sexo!”
O italiano respondeu “Pode até ser, mas nós é que incluímos as mulheres nele!”
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. “Is yer pa home?” he asked.
“No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.”
“Well,” said the farmer. “Is yer ma home?”
“No, she ain’t here either. She went to town with pa.” “Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?” “No sir, he went with pa and ma.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I kin do fer ya’?” inquired the young boy politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa.”
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “I know that pa charges 250 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”
Message on my answering machine allegedly from Constable So-and-So from supposedly Canada Revenue Agency saying that somebody had done such-and-such in my name and if I didn’t call this number immediately they would arrest me. “Have a nice day and God bless you.”
After I stopped laughing … I thought … wait a minute! A roof over my head, no rent, three square meals a day, benefits, no taxes, learn a trade and my company pension plan keeps compounding.
I called, gave them my address and told them to hurry …
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”
“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness, “I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?”
“That one was a Democrat”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.”
Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, one from England, one from Wales and one from Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No.” So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No.” So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, “Ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
You gotta love lawyers!!
A cafetina abre a porta do bordel e deixa entrar um senhor bem vestido. Ela pergunta como pode ajudá-lo, e ele responde que quer ver a Denise.
— Cavalheiro, a Denise é uma das nossas jovens mais caras.
— Não tem problema, é ela mesma que eu quero ver.
Nisso, Denise aparece e informa ao homem que cobra mil reais pelos seus serviços. Ele lhe entrega dez notas de cem reais, e ela o leva para um quarto por uma hora.
Na noite seguinte, o mesmo homem apareceu e, mais uma vez, pediu os serviços de Denise, pagando na hora.
Na terceira noite, o mesmo procedimento se repetiu. Quando o cavalheiro estava se preparando para sair, Denise perguntou:
— O senhor é o primeiro cliente que vem três noites seguidas. Mas eu não o tinha visto por aqui antes…
— Não, eu sou do Rio de Janeiro.
— Ah, que legal. Eu tenho parentes lá.
— Eu sei. Eu sou o advogado da sua irmã. Seu pai morreu, e ela me pediu que eu lhe entregasse três mil reais. Boa noite.
Método de seleção de funcionários
Procedimento
1 - Coloque todos os candidatos num galpão
2 - Entregue 200 tijolos a cada um.
3 - Não dê orientação alguma sobre o que fazer.
4 - Tranque-os lá.
Após seis horas, volte e verifique o que fizeram.
Esquema de análise dos resultados
1 - Os que contaram os tijolos, contrate como contadores.
2 - Os que contaram e em seguida recontaram os tijolos, são auditores.
3 - Os que tiverem arrumado os tijolos de maneira organizada, são da engenharia.
4 - Os que tiverem arrumado os tijolos de maneira muito estranha, difícil de entender, coloque-os no Planejamento Integrado de Projetos de Produção.
5 - Aqueles que picaram os tijolos em pedacinhos e estiverem tentando montá-los novamente, devem ir direto à Tecnologia da Informação.
6 - Os que estiverem sentados sem fazer nada ou batendo papo-furado, são dos Recursos Humanos.
7 - Os que já tiverem saído, são Gerentes.
8 - Os que estiverem olhando pela janela com o olhar perdido no infinito, são os responsáveis pelo Planejamento Estratégico.
9 - Os que estiverem conversando entre si com as mãos no bolso demonstrando que nem sequer tocaram nos tijolos e jamais fariam isso, cumprimente com muito respeito e coloque na Diretoria.
10 - Os que levantaram um muro e se esconderam atrás são do Departamento de Marketing.
11 - Os que afirmarem não estar vendo tijolo algum na sala, são advogados, encaminhe ao Departamento Jurídico.
12 - Os que reclamarem que os tijolos estão uma porcaria, sem identificação, sem padronização e com medidas erradas, coloque na Qualidade.
13 - Os que começarem a chamar os demais de “companheiros”, elimine imediatamente antes que criem um sindicato.
Atenciosamente,
Psicólogo Chefe